You can't help but notice these days that there's a bit of traffic about. In fact there's a whole heap of it, the country is car-mad and something needs to be done. And the only people in a real position to do anything about it, are the general public.

Oh, no, wait - sorry. The general public shoulders no responsibility for any social malaise. It's up to the government. Fair dos really, after all, they run the roads and manage the economy and do all this terribly clever stuff that the proles are frankly clueless about despite having to live in the detritus of general social decay.

Where was I? Ah, stuck in traffic.

The latest scheme is thus. You get charged for using the roads.

Not a bad start - I mean, it's moderately sensible policy provided it's backed up with sound investment in public transport and corporate incentives to encourage flexible working patterns.

Ok, we'll gloss over those points for now...

Like so many government initiatives, it's a fundamentally viable idea ruined by dire implementation. You see, if you use a busy road (such as a motorway) you pay lots - as much as 134p per mile. And if you use a quiet road (such as a rural B-road), you pay as little as 2p per mile.

Oh dear.

Now, boys and girls, you're in your car, and you have two ways to get to work. One is, let's say, 10p a mile, and the other is 60p a mile. And let's say you drive 40 miles a day. That's a difference of - wait for it - ten of your British pounds. Per day. Which is well over two grand over a normal working year.

That's a big pile of cash.

So, given this two-grand-or-so chasm, you'll be driving up the cheap roads, right? Yup. I would, too.

So, suddenly half the traffic from the motorway is using the rural roads. These would be roads which are single carriageway. Which are old, and not designed for safety at high speed and high traffic rates. Which are surfaced to a lesser load specification than motorways. Which have no hard shoulder. Which pass through villages which often have no pavements.

So, suddenly the rural traffic rockets, and it sure as hell takes less traffic to create gridlock on rural roads than it does on motorways.

What do you do if you're in need of the emergency services at rush hour, in the country? You're fucked, mate. You try getting an ambulance along an A-road with a 4-mile tailback. No chance.

How long before the roads crumble under the weight of the traffic - because, let's face it, the commercial vehicles have profit margins to think of: they'll be the first onto the cheap roads. And then, constant roadworks and even more gridlock.

How do people go about cycling (by which I mean actually fucking solving the traffic problem) if the rural roads are choked with rush-hour rat-race wankers keen to get to work ten seconds earlier even if they have to mow down a few bikes on the way?

What happens to the villages, many of which are already protesting about the volume and speed of the traffic passing through them?

Not to mention, of course, that by reducing or even doing away with fuel duty, an oil-guzzling 4x4 is only slightly more expensive to run than the most economical of city cars. And so much better at flattening cyclists.

So, well done Labour. Another fucking triumph.

What's wrong with fuel duty? It charges people more for higher mileages, for sitting in traffic jams and for owning resource-hungry and polluting cars. Half the objection would be overcome by offering rebates to commercial users - just charge the private motorist. Though higher cost of commercial transport woldn't be such a bad thing: it'd encourage local trade for a start. Just think, instead of buying crap factory-farmed meat in Tesco, it becomes financially viable to buy locally reared and slaughtered meat.

Fuel tax is ace. Managed properly, we should have lots more of it. And the revenues should go to real alternatives: trams, trains, buses, cycle initiatives, pedestrianised town centres and shopping areas.

Obviously Labour are shit-scared of public opposition to fuel tax, but then why introduce this scheme when it'll be equally unpopular?

Ignore the whinging average motorist: driving in this country is cheap. It shouldn't be. Public transport should be cheap. We're a small place, full of people who move around a lot. Efficient and effective transport is crucial to the country in the future. It's a shame, then, that the government fails once again to come up with a truly progressive and effective solution, and instead fucks about with idiotic taxation.

Sort it out, Labour. One decent transport idea in eight years of power can't be too much to ask, surely?

The transcript of Alistair Darling's full speech can be found here