Dear Dell,

I've ordered a PC from you and I'm sure it's very nice. I'll have to guess for now, because it's sitting in a depot somewhere. I think it's going to be there for a while actually.

You see, I was a stupid bastard. I didn't rigorously trace the links on your site until I found the one page that contained the delivery restrictions. Namely that deliveries are only on weekdays, during office hours. I've often thought that a daft policy for home deliveries, but there you go. Needless to say it's impossible to give a time for delivery so I can take advantage of flexi-time and have it delivered first or last thing, but then every damned courier service is like that. No problem: I can get round it by collecting from the courier's depot first thing in the morning - I do that with all my parcels.

But having spoken to both you and your courier about it, I understand that it's not possible to collect from the depot. Right. Ok, now you're making things a bit tricky for me, but I'm sure there's a way round this. I like a challenge.

Our next-door neighbour is a nice lady, she's in all day, I can leave her our keys. No - apparently you can't do that either. Ok, you're testing me now, but there's still a solution in there, I'm sure.

There's always the delivery to work (God help anyone who commutes by bike or train and needs to bring a bloody great PC home with them). Frankly I hadn't envisaged the home delivery being quite so tricky, so I hadn't given my work address. But I'm sure we can change that, can't we? No. Apparently not.

Interesting.

Now look. I work five days a week, same as your sodding courier. You can't help me on the delivery time, you can't help me with letting my neighbour open the door for you, you can't help me with letting me pick it up, you can't even help me by delivering the damned boxes somewhere where I'm actually going to be. You won't let me change any delivery details of the order, or let you deliver it to anyone else even at the correct address, despite the fact that I can clearly identify myslef over the phone and give you all the proof of identity you could want.

I can't even work from home for a day, because to do that I'd need the lovely little item inside the bloody box.

I don't plan on taking holiday until the Christmas period so do you have any idea how I could get hold of this fecking computer?

Please email, as I have given you my home number - which you can ring all you bloody like, as my telephone anwering hours are 7pm to 7am, I won't let you leave a message, and I won't allow myself to change the details to my work number where I actually can be contacted.

Update - 27.11.03

Still no response from Dell of course.

In the end I had to book a day off work, what choice did I have? Spoke to the couriers again on Monday of this week, to arrange delivery for Monday next. Apparently they had it scheduled for delivery on Wednesday (yesterday). I've no idea who came up with that date, I certainly never mentioned it.

"That's no good," I said, "I won't be in. I was calling to say can you deliver it on Monday?"

"Oh right, just a moment." ...couple of minutes of holding later... "Right sir, that's all sorted for Monday."

And guess what? I got home last night and it had been delivered to my next door neighbour.

TOSSERS!